Tonight's Healthy Feast

Lately I've been letting other people (namely professional "chefs") cook for me way too much. That BS stopped tonight. A lot of the components in tonight's meal were "on their way out" so to speak. Many of my fellow Americans would have thrown out these ingredients but I would rather stab a fork in my leg before wasting such divine eats. Truthfully, everything I cooked was magnificent and I urge you to rethink your definition of "rotten". For example, peeling a black banana often yields the sweetest and most delicate fruit flesh you could possibly imagine.

Putting the often-contentious issue of ripeness aside, this truly was a delicious and healthy dinner. Portabello mushrooms and onions sauteed in Worchestershire sauce, steamed homegrown kohlrabi and broccoli, fried plaintains dusted with salt and pepper, and chicken grilled up in balsamic vinegar, pepper, and cilantro. Variety, if I do say so my goddam self:

Pork n' Greens

It's been a while since I last found the time to post. I've been relatively preoccupied with moving into a new apartment and counting my paper stacks. Nevertheless, I've been snapping pictures of all my cooking and eating exploits. A few days ago I put together a fabulous well-rounded meal of pork chops, mashed potatoes, and collard greens. So here it is.

First, the chops. I marinated them in Worcestershire sauce in a Pyrex dish in the refrigerator for a good hour:

In my brand new Calphalon nonstick pan, I sauteed a few cloves of crushed garlic in olive oil for just a minute or so. Then I plunged the meat cuts into the boiling bath. Five minutes on and a dash of sesame seeds to each side and these puppies were finished.

New, red, mashed, garlic potatoes add a real heartiness to and greatly complement most meals. To a boiling pot of water I added ten of the baby taters and 5-10 once-chopped cloves of garlic and let stand for 10-15 minutes:

When the potatoes and garlic reached the appropriate consistency for mashing, I drained the whole pot in a colander and emptied the contents back into the pot:

After adding some milk, butter, rosemary, and salt, I mashed the hell out of everything with a glass container of pasta sauce, as shown below. It was a perfect substitute for my mom's professional potato smasher:

Collard greens, traditionally found in soul and southern American cuisine, are somewhat of a novelty in the white suburban hood where I grew up. In Hunterdon County, most people have never tried them, and those that have probably screwed them up so badly that they never tried cooking them again. Many folks incorrectly regard collards as a bitter, undesirable vegetable. In fact, collard greens are one of the most nutrient-rich plants on Earth, containing ample quantities of Folate, fiber, Calcium, and Vitamins K and C, and, when prepared properly, are flavorful and delicious. A fatback or ham hock broth with boiled-in collard greens is, I can only imagine, superb. The supermarkets in Hunterdon County don't stock this precious relative of both broccoli and cabbage. I got the specimens shown here from a market near where I live in Spanish Harlem:

Regarding the cooking of the greens, all I did was tear off the hard stemmage, blanch the whole leaves in a pot of boiling water for three minutes, and drain them in the colander. I sliced the greens after balling them up, a technique I learned thanks to an amatuer chef's video clip on YouTube:

Finally, I melted some sour cream in a pan and added the boiled and chopped collards, mixing around for a minute or two until the creaminess had pervaded the entire dish. A huge portion of raw greens yields much less when it is cooked so purchase accordingly. The final assemblage (with a sprinkling of grated Parmesan):

And just take a look at that:

Explosive Garden Growth

Prodigious amounts of rain this spring has meant extraordinary growth in the vegetable garden. Stop by in a couple months for a free vegetable of your choice. In the meantime, you can be sure we eat this luscious lettuce with every meal.

Monster potato plants, multiple varieties:



Red onions (won't be harvested til fall):


Shallots (also not ready til fall):


Broccoli plant:


Diverse Hunterdon County wildlife:

Check back in the near future for Smith farm produce updates. Aside from a diverse array of vegetables and fruit (peaches, plums, pears, apples, apricots, raspberries, and blackberries), we are expecting shipment of a cold-hardy basjoo banana tree in the coming weeks. Unfortunately the bananas are not edible but the tree itself is pretty damn impressive. Enjoy the beautiful weather!

I Love Birds

To eat that is. Isn't it great that all we have to do is take a quick trip to the market to satisfy our primal urge to consume fowl? No blade-sharpening, no stalking, no killing, and no feather-stripping required. When I'm really craving a nice piece of a bird I hop in the tan van, my vehicle of choice, and head down to the local supermarket. While basking in the air-conditioned bliss of the poultry section, surrounded by various cuts of multiple species of bird meat, I can't help but marvel at man's mastery of animal domestication. The idea of a supermarket, a place providing almost unlimited food supply and variety where anyone can walk in and buy something they had no part in hunting, killing or preparing is something so profoundly convenient, at times I think it's us humans who are the ones being domesticated. Gone are the days of loin cloths, wooden clubs, thick beards, and the manly anticipation of "The Hunt". Instead I spend most of my waking hours shaved and squatting lifelessly in front of a computer so I can frequent these emporiums of excess.

Here's a collage of photos that depicts a typical preparation of our most coveted feathered friend, the chicken. Before I ate her two breasts, I thanked the hen for sacrificing her own life for the enlargement of my own expanding belly.

Sliding pungent garlic slices into the breasts.

An envious yet powerless domesticated onlooker.

Two tender breasts on the path to perfection.





Top O' The Line Vermont Castings Stainless Steel Grill. Wow.



The cuts caked with salt, crushed black pepper, and oregano. I only flipped each breast once.



As you can probably surmise, these were out of this world. Immediately after I sunk my teeth into the breasts, my taste buds experienced an orgasm - an explosion of hot, garlicky chicken liquid and tender, succulent meat, followed by a fierce, peppery aftermath.

Head on out and get yourself a nice cut of your favorite bird species!

Monster Pie

Check out these pictures of Allegro's 28" party pizza. We ordered this bad boy for delivery in Philadelphia on Friday night after scanning the online menu for a couple minutes. Scott's choice of toppings (1/2 meatballs, 1/2 bacon) made for a memorable experience and a sumptuous feasting had by all. Thanks, Scott.

Professional consumption stance poses. Knees bent, mouth open wide, pizza perfectly positioned, and appetite raging. Be sure to note retro French-made exercise bike in the background. I used it that night to work off the 8,000 calories of melted cheese, tomato sauce, meats, and dough that slid helplessly into my belly:

Love in the Time of a Scantily Stocked Refrigerator

A few days ago, a serious crisis was averted. Here's the story. Emily, Laurent, Andrew, and I had been painting a fantastic snow-capped mountain landscape scene to add to the already extensive natural environment display that is the Little Barn Mural. After two hours of this, it was high time for a snack. We were all hungry, but me especially. The reason is simple. I am a full-fledged glutton who, having eaten nothing all morning, was ready to gorge. Who knew painting could make man so hungry? I stalked off to the house to prepare a communal meal, but not before I informed my friends of my intentions and so heightening expectations of the feast forthcoming to an astronomical level. I knew I had to deliver something special or face complete humiliation.

While walking inside, I conjectured about what delightful snacks might be waiting for me in the fridge. Maybe a rack of lamb, I thought. Or a sumptuous crown roast. Mom likes to cook meals impossible to finish in one sitting, so most of the time the Smith fridge is loaded to the gills with a variety of 1-5 day old dishes. This time, however, I was plum out of luck. I couldn't believe my eyes. The fridge was a barren wasteland. No leftovers, just some reconstituted orange juice and lemonade, a jug of salsa, and.....oh wait...a MASSIVE leg of lamb was just staring me in the face, pleading with me to stuff it with cloves of garlic, bathe it in oil, sprinkle it with fresh rosemary and salt, and bake it to perfection in the Bosch gas range oven. Alas, this beautiful cut was reserved for Easter dinner, a whole two days away. The leg would have to wait. Here's the fridge and its limited contents on that unlucky day:


At this juncture, the kitchen seemed like an entirely inappropriate setting to create the culinary masterpiece that I and my comrades so desired. All ready to return to the barn shamefully empty handed, my eyes suddenly struck upon a magnificent device designed for an occasion just like the one I found myself in: the George Foreman Mean Lean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine.

Stream of consciousness dictated the following moves. First, I intertwined slices of Extra-Sharp Cabot Vermont Cheddar Cheese and BJ's Swiss atop three different kinds of bread (potato, wheat, and whole grain).

As variety, the spice of life, is generally looked upon as a good thing, I randomly applied a sprinkling of dried basil, hot mustard, and slices of vine ripe tomatoes to the future sandwiches and pressed each between the scalding Foreman plates until a beautiful brownish burnt crust formed. As discussed in a previous post, I particularly adore the punch that this champion edition of the Foreman packs:

Without the hassles of temperature control or messy cleanups, the Foreman is meant for the simple man. It's a simple machine that serves it purpose to the fullest. I chopped the oozing sandwiches into party-friendly bites and arranged them (aesthetically) on a plate. To finish the meal, I sliced up a few crisp Gala apples (my personal favorite) and slapped a large dollop of caramel for dipping in the center of the plate.

A few chopped up kosher dills later, and I was finished. Check out the gnarly cheese floes that formed:

In a kitchen stocked with only the bare essentials, it's amazing how something almost always turns up out of nothing. Go out and buy yourself a Foreman - you won't be disappointed unless you dislike superior foods.

De-skinning Poached Salmon Steak

It's always been a difficult task for me to extract every morsel of succulent salmon meat from the skin. Not anymore. Here's a video of my mom accomplishing this tiresome task in no time flat.